I’m currently struggling in my role as a mom. I’ve spent almost 20 years loving, nurturing, training, teaching, disciplining, and working hard to raise children to become responsible, God-honoring adults. But over the past several months I have watched my oldest child pull away from us and make foolish choices that are leading him away from what I see as God’s best for him. We have tried to speak truth and love into his life but he is not receptive to it. He wants the freedom to make his own choices without any parental input. He wants to live his life with no boundaries, no questions and no rules. After much prayer, tears, arguments and godly counsel we had to make the heart wrenching decision to let him go and live his life his way….which meant he could no longer live at home.
This has been the hardest decision I have ever made as a parent. It’s one of those decisions that you have to keep making over and over every day. It’s one of those decisions that causes doubt to creep in and you have to take it to God and ask for peace and strength for another day.
Some days I let the doubts overtake my mind and I find myself drawing a line from his foolish choices to my weaknesses and failures as a mom. I allow Satan to use those doubts to twist my thinking. I will find myself taking responsibility for his bad decisions. Or I will think that I need to compromise on the house rules to make him want to come home.
Today I was listening to a message by Lysa Terkeurst. She was sharing about her son and some trouble he got into during his first year of college. She was talking about feeling like a failure as a mom and then she heard God say something to her that changed her thought process. God said, “Let me write your son’s testimony”.
When she shared that, I felt God’s Spirit within me say, “Let me write your son’s testimony.”
It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and anxious about how each decision will impact his future. Will he make a decision that will disqualify him from his calling? Does he feel convicted about his sinful choices? If he doesn’t feel convicted is he truly saved? Who will God bring across his path that will speak the truth that he needs and not condone his sin? How can he continue to be so deceitful?
I need to step back and remind myself that God is writing my child’s testimony. He is sovereign and nothing takes him by surprise. Only he can change a heart and draw it back to himself. Only he can take a broken sinful person and use them for his glory. The plans that I have for my child pale in comparison to the ultimate plan that God has for him.
The choices that he is making now may lead to a bumpier path that will result in painful bruises and scars along the way. It could be only a short detour or it could take years for him to remove the mask of sin and deceit. He may not want to listen to my counsel or advice but I will continue to do battle for his heart on my knees.
I am a Christian, a wife, a mom, a VBS crafter, a coupon clipper, a thrift store shopper, a football fan, a cook, a student of the Bible and an avid reader.