My life is a mess right now. And I've been quite honest and open about the hurt and the pain that my children and I have been going through over the past couple of months. That type of honesty can make people uncomfortable. Believe me when I say that is not my intent. However I feel that shying away from being authentic and real would be living a lie. And I'm done pretending. I'm not going to allow the enemy to convince me that it's better to just bury it all deep inside and plaster a fake smile across my face.
I'm not going to sugarcoat the impact that a husband and father's choices have made on this family. Words have power and I have encouraged my kids to use theirs to express their thoughts and feelings. I need them to be open with those emotions and not stuff them deep down inside because they're afraid or ashamed. And if I expect them to be open then I must be willing to be open as well.
We have wrestled with some hard questions together. We've had to come to terms with some difficult truths. It's never easy to come to the realization that your father isn't who you thought he was. And the things that he taught you your entire life mean nothing to him now.
It's painful to see someone you love walk away from their faith. You begin to wonder if their faith was real. Or has it just been a charade all these years. Was their love for you even real or were you just a pawn in their cruel game? Did they really change that much or did the mask just fall off?
As you ask yourself these questions, you look back over the past and you begin to get some clarity. You realize maybe they were the ones who had been pretending all these years. Because if it had been real, how could they walk away so easily? How could they throw everything away so recklessly? How could they become someone that you used to know?
Their "love" was not a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. It was a selfish, self-serving kind of love. They made themselves the center of your world and expected you to do things their way, in their timing and by their rules. How had you been fooled for so many years? Why couldn't you have seen them for who they really were?
Maybe you believed their lies or maybe...just maybe you had dreams of who they could be one day.....maybe you were just in love with the idea of who they could be. And you were optimistic enough to believe if you waited long enough then one day your dream would become reality. That day never came and now you must face the reality that after two decades you will have to trust God for a new dream.
I am a Christian, a wife, a mom, a VBS crafter, a coupon clipper, a thrift store shopper, a football fan, a cook, a student of the Bible and an avid reader.