I have been on a journey to emotional healing. I have made some progress but I know I have a long road to walk before I am emotionally whole again. Right now I'm dealing with lots of anger. I have processed much of the anger about the affair and the divorce but now I'm finding that I'm angry at myself.
I am angry that I was silent for so many years. I am angry that I didn't have respect for myself and allowed others to disrespect me. I am angry that I didn't understand my value and worth. I am angry that I didn't use my voice. I am angry that I believed that little voice inside that told me that no one else would love an unwed pregnant 23 yr old.
I am angry that I exposed my heart and mind to pornography early in my marriage to help me "connect" with my spouse. I am angry that I chose to walk on eggshells to keep peace instead of speaking truth in love. I am angry that I didn't seek counseling for myself sooner. I am angry that I apologized for others insecurities. I am angry that I was so desperate for love that I ignored red flags. I'm angry that I ignored observations and questions from extended family who loved me.
Recently I've noticed that when I allow myself to be triggered by certain people, I give away my power and allow them to push my buttons. I get sucked in and then get angry at myself for it. I vow to not let it happen again. I do great for a few days and then something is said and I respond instead of ignore. It's such a vicious cycle. And that cycle needs to end in order for me to become emotionally whole again.
Let the next level of healing begin.