Memories flood my mind today and out of nowhere tears begin to fall. When I think about what could have been it reopens old wounds. When I think about him doing life with her, I get a little jealous. And then I hate myself for caring for someone who chose to walk away without a second thought.
What is going on in my heart and mind today? I have made some great progress in healing my broken heart but all of a sudden I want to know why he didn't fight for me. How was it so easy for him to just move on with someone else? Why am I torturing myself with these questions? I know it must have something to do with our upcoming court hearing.
Tomorrow I will stand before a judge to officially end my marriage.... the clock will stop at 22 years. Twenty two years filled with so much life together......at times it's been messy and chaotic, sometimes beautiful, and other times broken. But now it's ending.
The events of the past year have made it necessary to end the partnership as husband and wife. My head knows that but sometimes my heart tries to ignore the truth. My heart just wants to remember the good times, the loving times, the beautiful times.
But my mind can see the cracks. It remembers the broken promises and hears the hateful words. My mind reminds my heart that he didn't persevere when I needed him. He didn't fight for me above anything else. He didn't uphold his vow to me or to God. He didn't know how to love like Christ. Sometimes he said just the right words but there was no follow thru.
There is no need to try to figure out the why. It just makes me crazy. I must keep moving forward. I must embrace the emotions as they come. Feel them fully then give them to God and ask for His comfort, peace and understanding. I can't get stuck in the "I wish's" or "What if's". This is not a Hallmark movie. This is real life and it's messy and it's complicated. The healing process takes time. And if done correctly then I will learn from what I've been through and become stronger because of it. If I try to move through it too quickly I will just repeat the pain and brokenness with someone else.
Today I will feel deeply and fully all of the emotions from all of the memories from the past 22 years. As I continue on this journey of healing, I will embrace it all....the good, the bad and the heartbreaking. I will continue to embrace it as long as it takes to heal it. I will acknowledge the past's influence on shaping me into the woman that I am. I will also remind myself that my value and worth are found in Christ and not the acceptance or rejection of anyone else.