My mind is full and my heart is heavy tonight. So heavy that I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. My mind is racing and my body feels anxious. So many emotions and thoughts all tangled up together. Usually when something is weighing on my mind, I can process it through writing. But tonight I'm finding it difficult to figure out where to even start. There is just so much.
I am concerned for the well being of my kids. They are strong and brave but they are hurting. And I can't give them the one thing to make their pain go away. I can't make their family whole again. And to make matters worse, I can't even give them the certainty of staying in our current home. I know it adds to their pain when I have to tell them that I will do everything in my power to keep us in our current house but I don't know if it will be enough. Our future is just so uncertain right now.
I am weary from the weight of responsibilities that I have been forced to take on all by myself. Financial responsibilities that should be shared but are not. (11% contribution is not OK). Balancing working enough hours and being home enough to be a mom plus trying to find time to get the house in order is challenging. There's spiritual training and life skills to be taught. There's extracurricular activities to pay for and attend.
And then there's my own well being. Some days I do great and other days I can barely hold it all together. My heart is still healing and sometimes the wounds feel so raw. Some days the wounds are ripped open by hateful words or false accusations. I hate that I let it get to me and cause me so much heartache. But I'm a words person. What you say to me stays with me for a very long time. Especially when those words are spoken by someone close to me. Words are so powerful and they can't be taken back.
As I sit here and think about all that has happened over the past 8 months, I realize that I am a much stronger person for having gone through the struggles. I have a voice now and I am no longer afraid to use it. I am combating the lies with truth and I am fighting for stability for my kids. I will still have bad days. I will still have days where I want to just give up trying to build bridges and finding a new normal. But on those days I know that I can lean on God's strength and love to get me through.
I can't control the actions of others. I can't make anyone become responsible and do the right thing. I can't convince others to see the truth right in front of them. But I can keep getting up each day and doing what's right, responsible and true for my kids.